Sunday, February 13, 2011

Lolo- Puke, water, water, puke, puke, water, puke edition

Not feeling so hot this morning. Drank way more than my body needed and am feeling incredibly depressed, paranoid, regretful, embarrassed, ashamed, self-disgust, and all those other feelings that go along with losing myself in alcohol. I'm going to be honest, it's the third day in a row that I've drank too much. After many weeks of being abstinent from alcohol use, I totally lost my shit and started drinking. I have been very, very depressed and anxious lately and I've been doing everything right to help me through. I've been doing tons of yoga, I've been meditating and I've been running a lot and staying sober. But I cracked on Thursday night. I spent the morning on the phone with my nurse for my IVF procedure. I found that many of my fertility levels are beginning to change commensurate with someone who is aging. Probably a little prematurely as well. And I thought that I did it to myself by running too much, but the nurse said no. That in fact it has nothing to do with that. I just wanted to think I have some control in this situation. But I have none. First it was just my husband. When we started trying when I was 34, my levels were great. Now, my fertility is declining. It's not bad yet. But it will be soon. And I'm really feeling that loss of control. Things are just not working out the way I hoped they would. Of course they never do in life. It's hard to manage expectations with reality. But because of it, I feel so sad, so out of control. As I said, doing paleo and having a different focus was helpful. Not drinking, meditating, running, doing yoga, helpful. Drinking was not helpful. And I knew it wouldn't be. But on Thursday night. I just didn't want to feel anymore. I came home from work, and I knew that I wanted alcohol. So I did what I could to distract myself. I got my nails done (fire engine red!) I ran 3.5 miles. By the time I was done running, I came home and sat in my apartment in all my sweaty clothes. I knew there was a yoga class that I could go to. The bottle of wine in our wine fridge was taunting me. I finally lost my shit and poured a small glass and sat there drinking it slowly. I just didn't want to feel anymore. Then the husband called and said he was working late. Which gave me the opportunity to drink more. And before I knew it, I'd drank half the bottle. I spilled the rest out and went into the shower. I was very drunk. But it gets worse. I compulsively took two vicadon. The husband has them around the house from an old surgery. I just couldn't take being in my head anymore.  So the husband came home. He didn't say anything if he knew, I don't know if he did.  But that makes me hate myself more. Just knowing that I had that kind of behavior. I woke up so ashamed and miserable the next morning. The next day was our anniversary and we had three drinks each, which wasn't bad, I would have drank much more except the husband was moderating. He knows how to do that. Me, I'm not so good when the ETOH enters my system. Then yesterday, again, I tried to keep it clean by going to a yoga class, meditating, etc. But I lost my shit in the biggest way yet and binge drank in front of many people. Which is the worst and so embarrassing for me.  Because again, I just lose my shit when I drink. And I'm so much happier when I don't.   This IVF stuff is really, really bringing me down. I just don't want to do it. I don't want to take shots for 30 days. I don't want to take out loans for $28,000.00, I don't want to have surgery done to me to harvest my eggs. I don't want any of that. And it's not fair that I have to because it's my husband's fault that I'm not getting pregnant.  And so I'm resentful. And I feel anxious about it all the time. Birthdays since I've been trying to get pregnant have been awful. My 35th wasn't too bad, but my 36th, I just sat home and cried. The husband is taking me out of town this year so that doesn't happen again. But I've been anticipating it now for months. I can't take it anymore. 2+ years of trying to get pregnant, having no control, having my husband turn out to not be who I thought he was, sometimes it gets easier, but this week it's felt hard. So hard. I woke up at 3am this morning with all of that shame and intense anxiety about not remembering the second half of the night. And I've not been back to sleep since. I know that it will get better, and after we do our IVF and have the baby that this time will be forgotten. But it's just so fucking hard right now.  And my coping mechanisms which were so good for so many weeks, got really bad 4 days ago, and I feel so ashamed of myself. So disgusted with myself.  I know that I'll feel better in a few days. But for now, I just want to hide.

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