Good Morning! It's not so much morning at it is noon. I am so happy to be on day one of these 30 days. And it was right for me not to start yesterday. We spent all day at Carroll and Katrina's house stuffing ourselves on processed meat and cheese. Then, after dropping A off at the airport, we headed straight to the cousins house where the dinner consisted of chips, salsa, mexican pizzas, ice cream, brownie, etc. etc. I went home stuffed and satisfied, knowing that this month would be nice for getting back to it. I realized though that I can't accept any invitations to dinners this month at all. We are going to my parents' house for 5 days next week, so that might be challenging, but they're always good about respecting what I'm choosing or not choosing to eat.
I'm happy it's new years and I do have some resolutions this year. There are a couple that I have every year:
1.)To try to be more kind.
2.)To continue working on letting go of judgment and criticism of myself and of those around me. This is a practice that I have been working on for at least the past 9 years or so. It involves letting go of my framework for what I think is right and allowing it to be what I understand is right for me and understanding that everyone is an autonomous being with their own beliefs, intuition and spiritual guidance and their thoughts, actions, and behaviors are reflective of their own needs. This one is not always easy because I'll certainly silently roll my eyes when I hear someone go on a diatribe about their vegetarian diet and about how they're raising their kid vegetarian. I was a vegan for many, many years and it wreaked havoc on my body. I was sick often, I was anemic, I couldn't focus, and I was anxious. Eating meat changed all that. But again, that's my own personal experience. A girlfriend of mine is raising her kid vegetarian and I wish that she weren't. I feel worried. But actually, the truth is, she never gets sick, she has the focus of a samurai, she's in awesome shape, she's smart, beautiful, healthy and eats really well. So, I realize that what I've done here is metabolize my own experience onto her and used that as a lens for worrying about her son. These are the kinds of things I'd like to let go of. I know that I have some friends who have bad habits like drinking and driving or some worrysome eating disorder behaviors. I think it's appropriate to be concerned here and when appropriate to talk about with them, but certainly not to criticize, berate, judge or discuss behind their backs. I continue to work on cultivating that kind of empathy and letting go of judgment and I think that I've been able to really, really, really change over the past nine years. But there are certain things that I've not dealt with very well. For example, it's been challenging for me to cultivate empathy for my husband for his disgusting, compulsive, evil, degrading habits that he's broken this year (see there, not very compassionate.) I'm trying to, but because they've affected me directly, it's challenging. Sometimes I feel filled with compassion for him. And in those moments I call him and let him know because I understand that it's fleeting. I do know that at some point those fleeting feelings will stabilize. But the anger and judgment with the husband is based in fear. And aren't all judgments based in fear anyway? The other thing that's an ongoing challenge that I've been working on is not criticizing myself. It's become infinitely better in these past nine years. I'm much more apt to accept my mistakes and failures as opportunities and my indiscretions or overindulgences as human. However, there are times when I feel very angry at myself for things that I think I might have done wrong, like acted inconsiderately, or said the wrong thing at work, or came to someone's house empty handed or acted greedy or stingy. In the new year, rather than using these things to be angry at or berate myself, I want to use them as opportunities and learning experiences. It doesn't mean I have to go above or beyond for everyone, or let people trample on my boundaries, or spend money that I don't have. I have to be kind to everyone, but if there are things I don't want to do, or people I feel that I don't need to be close to, I don't need to work super hard on that or be angry at myself for not stepping up to the plate. It's not healthy or productive for anyone. I've been definitely better about that over the past 7 years or so. And I want to continue working on it.
And some new resolutions:
1.)Meditate more regularly and find more connection with the universe around me.
2.)Begin to let go of stress about money and trust that if I am working with integrity, that I will be provided for.
3.)Have some goals that I work on each week. Like maybe one week it will be get to a yoga class once this week, or write a short story this week.
4.)READ MORE BOOKS!!!!!!!! I somehow have forgotten how to read.
5.)Read more professionally relevant literature.
6.)Challenge myself by going to professional workshops that don't interest me at all.
As far as food goes. After these 30 strict days, I'd like to be mostly Paleo, but not black and white about it. That's mostly how I've been since May and I've really felt good about it. December was a whole different story. But December is over. Thank goodness.
In terms of exercise, I really like my level of exercise now. I run 3-4 times a week, and I don't want to increase that or decrease that, but I'd like to add some yoga into the mix as well as some strength training, like pushups or pullups and maybe a tiny bit of weight lifting. Running is wonderful for my constitution, my mood and my butt. But I think it tightens me up a bit and would like to do other things to help me get more limber and soft in the muscles. I can't exercise too much because I've been compulsive about it in the past.
No eating disorder behaviors ever. No skipping meals or restricting food when I'm hungry, no counting calories, no over exercising, no weighing myself, no berating myself for gaining weight. I don't have a problem with people weighing themselves if they're not prone to eating disorders, only myself because it's such a weird trigger for me. There's never a number that I find suitable. And I cannot let myself be ruled by a mechanical box. My eating disorder behaviors are few and far between these days. I never binge, I never take laxatives, I never fast or starve, I don't intentionally skip meals, but there are times when I get so busy that I don't make time for meals. I can't delude myself into believing that it's 100% unintentional. I'm sure that on some unconscious level, I like it. As a younger person, I'd not eat all day, then just have a salad for dinner. Then later I'd binge, then I'd take laxatives and do all sorts of crazy things. Spend hours at the gym. Go on weird fasts (think-- the master cleanser). But, I'm very recovered from that. The one thing that can remain is the anxiety over packing on the pounds, though I know that weight fluctuations are natural, especially in the winter. I would like to be more calm about that.
7.) Make sex more exciting. (self explanatory)
So, there you have it. My new years resolutions for 2011. I will check in later with food for the day. Kisses,
p.s. Koko looked hottttt on New Years Eve. Everyone was talking about how amazing she looked after she and the fam left.